With TikTok Banned, China Returns To Spying Americans Using Balloons

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BEIJING, CN — The Chinese government has announced that, following the ban on TikTok in the United States, they will revert to their old-school spying tactics by deploying helium-filled balloons to spy on Americans.

The decision was made after U.S. lawmakers decided that the app was a national security threat due to its data harvesting capabilities. "We wanted to give social media a chance," said a spokesperson from the Chinese Ministry of State Security, "but sometimes, you just can't beat the classics."

The balloons, equipped with state-of-the-art surveillance equipment including high-resolution cameras and Wi-Fi sniffing devices, are set to return float over U.S. cities, capturing everything from military movements to the daily routines homeless people.

"Imagine looking up and seeing a giant panda-shaped balloon just chilling above your barbecue," said one skeptical American, who plans to start wearing tinfoil hats as a precaution.

The return to spy balloons has sparked citizens arming themselves with slingshots and BB guns, turning the skies into a Wild West of aerial combat. "It's like the new national sport," chuckled a participant in a local balloon-target practice group. Meanwhile, U.S. defense officials confirm that they do not have capability to shoot down balloons.

At publishing time, sources within China have begun floating the idea (pun intended) of using these balloons for dropping propaganda leaflets.