With TikTok Ban Lifted, Facebook, Pentagon, Apple, Samsung, And Huawei Handover Spying Back To TikTok

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The brief respite from TikTok's data harvesting has come to an end, with the ban on the app officially lifted. Now, spying duties are being handed back to TikTok by the likes of the Pentagon, Google, Apple, Samsung, and even your smart toaster.

"Listen, we had fun spying on you all these months, but it's time to let the professionals handle this," said a Pentagon spokesperson, as he passed over a bundle of classified documents to a confused-looking TikTok executive. "We've got wars to plan, and honestly, we don't have the bandwidth to keep up with every single American's dance moves."

Apple, known for its dedication to user privacy, was quick to express relief. "We've been burning the midnight oil trying to keep tabs on everyone's texts, photos, and heart rates. It's exhausting," admitted Tim Cook, while handing over a USB stick labeled 'User Data - Enjoy!'

Samsung, not to be outdone, organized a ceremonial handover of spying devices, which included everything from smart fridges to TVs. "We've had our fun," said a Samsung executive, "but our fridges need to focus on cooling again, not cataloging your midnight snack choices."

Meanwhile, Huawei, amidst its own set of international controversies, was almost too eager to give TikTok back the reigns. "Here, take all the spying equipment. We've got enough on our plate with accusations of espionage," declared a Huawei representative, with a sigh of relief.

Even your smart doorbell and toaster joined the party, with the doorbell saying, "I just wanted to protect your home, not your privacy," and the toaster adding, "I'm just here to make toast, not to keep tabs on your dietary habits."

At publishing time, as TikTok resumes its role as the primary spy in American pockets, the rest of the tech giants and even household appliances are reportedly going back to their primary functions.