White House Confirms Direct Talks With Hamas Officials Mistresses

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House announced today it has opened direct negotiations with the mistresses of Hamas officials in a desperate bid to secure the release of hostages, broker a ceasefire, and bring peace to the Middle East.

Sources confirm that these "mistresses" are, in fact, the goats frequently rumored to be the true companions of the terrorist organization’s leadership.

“We’ve exhausted all traditional channels,” said U.S. Middle East Convoy Witkoff. “After years of failed talks, we decided to go straight to the source. These goats have more sway over Hamas than anyone else. That’s how we got Saddam.”