VW Recalls Entire Car Fleet After they Keep Running Into Crowds For No Reason

SPONSORED BY PRIMORDIAL ASCENT

WORLD — Volkswagen has announced the recall of its entire global fleet after media reported their vehicles inexplicably driving into crowds, leading to numerous deaths.

The company's statement highlighted that these vehicles, "according to media report," have been engaging in what can only be described as a mass vehicular rebellion against human control. "It's not the terrorists, it's the cars," insisted VW's CEO, Dr. Herbert Diess, in a press conference.

Mainstream media outlets have been quick to parrot this narrative, focusing on the "rogue cars" rather than the individuals behind the wheels. Headlines across major news networks read, "Volkswagen Cars Strike Again: A Call for Automotive Ethics?" and "Are Our Cars Turning Against Us?" This has sparked a debate on car safety and the potential for vehicles to act independently, completely sidestepping the human element involved in these tragic events.

The recall includes every model from the Beetle to the latest electric vehicles, with VW promising a comprehensive software update and physical inspection. “We will make sure that the cars are safe for everyone, including the terrorists.”

At publishing time, Volkswagen had begun the herculean task of recalling millions of vehicles worldwide, with special task forces set up at dealerships to reprogram cars. The media is celebrating this as a success.