Vatican Installs "Faggot-O-Meter" To Ensure Spiritual Purity At Pope's Funeral

VATICAN CITY — As the Vatican mourns Pope Francis, officials have installed Faggot-O-Meters in St. Peter’s Basilica to monitor “faggotry levels” during his funeral, ensuring spiritual purity for the solemn occasion.

The Faggot-O-Meter, engineered by Jesuits and sanctified by exorcists, measures “faggotronic particles” in the air. Cardinal Luigi Santoro stated, “We must honor His Holiness without atmospheric interference.”

Vatican spokesperson Giulia Conti hailed the device as a safeguard for the funeral’s sanctity. “High readings activate holy water misters,” explained Conti.

At publishing time, the Vatican confirmed that Faggot-O-Meter will also be used to select the new pope, ensuring spiritual purity in the selection process.