Trump Renames Thanksgiving To 'Thank Trump Day'
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump officially signed an executive order renaming Thanksgiving to “Thank Trump Day,” explaining that the original name was confusing and unfair to the person who actually fixed everything.
“My fellow Americans, for too long you’ve been giving thanks to some silly concept, maybe a turkey, maybe the Indians, maybe the weather. Nobody knows,” Trump said. “From now on it’s very simple: you look at your plate, you look at your beautiful family, you look at the strongest economy in history, and you say three words: Thank. You. Trump.”
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt later clarified that while the name change is binding on all federal buildings, menus, and elementary-school hand-turkey crafts, private citizens are still technically allowed to call it whatever they want, “though obviously that would be very disrespectful.”
Moments after the signing, Democratic leaders erupted in outrage. “This is a direct attack on our democracy,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.
At publishing time, the Supreme Court issued an emergency 6-3 ruling stating that President Trump cannot legally force citizens to say “Thank Trump” out loud, but he is fully within his Article II powers to stare at them expectantly until they do.