Trump Promises To Negotiate Peace In India Only After Signing A Minerals Deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he’s poised to solve the India-Pakistan conflict with his unmatched dealmaking prowess. The catch? India must sign a minerals deal, giving U.S. access to its rare-earth minerals.

“I’m gonna bring peace to India, it’s gonna be unbelievable, the best peace deal ever,” Trump declared. “But India’s got these incredible minerals—rare-earth, tremendous stuff, nobody talks about it. I told Modi, you want peace? Let’s do a deal. Give me those minerals, and I’ll stop the fighting so fast, it’ll make your head spin.”

With tensions high between two nuclear powers, Trump quickly began to bring the conflict to a close.

At publishing time, Trump is still on the call, and on hold, with Modi trying to avoid him.