Too Far? Biden Pardons Luigi Mangione

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has decided to use his presidential pardon on Luigi Mangione. Luigi, known to many as the "Green Plumber," was apparently arrested for crimes against plumbing. Biden, in his infinite wisdom, declared, "Luigi did the right thing. He saved our pipes from going down the drain—literally."

"What's next? Pardons for Mario for jumping on endangered turtles?" exclaimed Senator Blumenthal. However, supporters of Luigi argue that his actions were heroic, not criminal. "Luigi has been a pillar of our community, fixing leaks and battling Bowser in his off time," said a local plumber, who wished to remain anonymous due to the fear of being next on the pardon list.

"Mama mia! I was only trying to-a help! Those pipes, they-a needed me!" Luigi stated, his mustache twitching with indignation. He went on to explain that his "crimes" were merely misunderstood acts of heroism. "When you-a see a pipe, you fix-a it. That's the plumber's code!"

The White House has been quick to defend the decision, with Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre stating, "Luigi represents the American spirit of fixing what's broken, even if it's in a way that's not exactly... by the book."

At publishing time, Biden has pardoned every character in the Super Mario video game.