TORA BORA MOUNTAINS — Osama bin Laden expressed deep frustration this week over a perceived threat to his brand, after a 22-year-old white skinny guy from suburban Ohio named Tyler Robinson took over all the attention as the scariest terrorist in America.
“Back in my day, I flew planes in buildings," he growled in an exclusive interview on Al Jazeera. "Americans feared any man with a turban and a beard chanting death to America. These days, Americans are more scared of skinny white kids hanging on Discord and shooting podcasters.”
Sources close to bin Laden say the 78-year-old has been binge-watching footage of Charlie Kirk’s shooting, and shaking his fist at the TV. "I spent years perfecting the image: exotic, bearded menace plotting from the shadows," he reportedly fumed. "Now these loser-white-kids are outdoing me with just a backpack and a hunting rifle!”
Experts on radicalisation agree the evolution is jarring. "Twenty-four years ago, terrorists were the stuff of VHS tapes – think Bin Laden's entourage chanting death to America in the mountains," said counterterrorism analyst Dr. Lena Voss. "Today? It's skinny white dudes in converse sneakers, radicalised by Reddit threads. The old guard can't compete with this new generation of terrorists."
At publishing time, bin Laden was spotted Googling beard trimmers and conservatives to kill.