Temu Elon Musk To Help Luxon Fix New Zealand Before Getting Rolled
NZ — When you can’t afford Elon Musk, you can certainly order one from Temu. That’s exactly what New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has done.
“Today I’m announcing that I’m bringing on ‘Temu Elon Musk’ to join me in fixing New Zealand. Now I know that some of you might be disappointed because he’s not the real Elon Musk, but I could only afford an Elon Musk from Temu,” said Luxon.
Temu Elon Musk, also known as Nick “Chinaman” Mowbray, sat down with The Chimp Chronicles to share his 10 policies that he has recommended Luxon for Making New Zealand Great Again.
“When I’m not making plastic toys for kids, I’m on Temu, selling my services to world leaders in fixing their country,” said the Chinaman.
Pretend to eliminate DEI: “Diversity’s cool, so don’t get rid of it. Just pretend you’re getting rid of it. It will calm down the angry herd on X. This will buy you some time,”
Pretend to ditch race and gender ministries: “We definitely need ministries for Pacific people, women, trans, and midgets. Do not get rid of these but pretend you’re,”
Pretend to mash up ministries: “Do not mash up ministries together. That’s a terrible idea. Just pretend you’re mashing them. You’re good at pretending anyway,”
Pretend to slash funding: “Careful here. We definitely need $200 million for NZ On Air but pretend that you’ll slash a few things to score a few points”
Pretend to order everyone to return to the office: “Don’t do it. Great talent will leave. Just pretend so you look TOUGH like me; a tough Chinaman!”
Cancel office leases: “Definitely cancel all the leases because you’re only pretending to get public servants back in the office,”
Pretend to defund Paris Agreement, WHO, and WEF: “This will be disastrous. But just pretend because people want to hear you say it,”
Release a weekly purge list, pretending to be cancelling funding: “Trump’s doing a weekly list of waste and fraud cancelled and the ratings are high for this. So pretend that you’re slashing waste but just cut negligible items only,”
Luxury homes for Chinese buyers: “$5 million-plus properties? Open the floodgates,” Temu Elon Musk grinned, dreaming of billionaire Chinese buyers.
Pretend you’re firing people: “If anything, we need a bigger government. So pretend that you’re firing people but don’t do it,”
At publishing time, Temu Elon Musk was pretending to help Adrian Orr at Central Bank to pretend doing a great job.