Swarbrick Declares 2025 Green AGM Will Be "Judenrein" For Safety

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In a stunning pre-emptive move to ensure ideological harmony, NZ Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has announced that the 2025 Green Party Annual General Meeting will be officially Judenrein (completely free of Jewish attendees), and not because they may trigger pro-Palestinian supporters (though this was a consideration), but more because “Jews ask difficult questions”.

Swarbrick insisted that the decision is "not antisemitic at all" but rather an effort to create a space safe from the potential influence of a questioning people whose spirit of inquiry may challenge the party’s predominantly ADHD-based membership.

"It’s not about exclusion," she explained. "It’s about protecting vulnerable minds from undue intellectual stimulation that could reawaken trauma and anxiety…. and could lead to nuanced thought."

Swarbrick recalled a story from her days in the youth wing of the party when a Jewish comrade questioned why she was allowing the lettuce in one panini to touch the lettuce in the one placed beside it. Her Jewish comrade had referred to this as “weird” which Swarbrick admits “probably shaded my view of the Jewish people".

"The last thing we need in the face of an approaching climate catastrophe is difficult types. Like I said, this isn’t antisemitic. It’s anti-annoying, obstructive people. I sincerely wish them well, just, maybe over in their own country… Actually, hold up…”

The policy has been met with mixed reactions. Some within the party have applauded the move as "a bold stand against the colonial hegemony of critical thinking," while others fear it may alienate potential donors who still believe in coherence and logic.

The Green Party has assured concerned members that any remaining traces of Jewish intellectualism will be carefully purged through a series of inclusivity audits conducted by masked intersectional theorists wielding wind and solar-powered cattle prods.