Santa Confirms Jeffrey Epstein Permanently On The Naughty List Despite Trump Not Releasing The Files
NORTH POLE — Santa Claus confirmed Tuesday that convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein remains permanently etched on the Naughty List, regardless of the Trump administration’s intentional delays in fully releasing the Epstein files ahead of the December 19 deadline.
“Jeffrey’s been a fixture down here since, well, forever,” Santa told reporters from his icy press room, gesturing to a massive, glowing ledger. “No amount of DOJ loopholes or active investigation excuses is bumping him to Nice. He’s got more coal coming than the entire fossil fuel industry.”
Sources close to the North Pole say Santa’s decision comes amid growing frustration over the Epstein Files Transparency Act, signed by President Trump last month after months of opposition and a dramatic reversal.
Despite promises of full disclosure, recent partial releases—including thousands of photos from Epstein’s estate dumped by House Democrats showing Trump, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and others—have been heavily redacted or selective, leaving the public with more questions than answers.
“I reviewed the naughty evidence myself,” said Mrs. Claus in an exclusive quote, sipping cocoa by the fire. “Photos with presidents, billionaires, even that one with the weird dental chair on the island—it’s all there. Permanent naughty status. No appeals, no pardons, not even from the big guy in the White House.”
Attorney General Pam Bondi, reached for comment while reportedly scrambling to meet the looming deadline, insisted the delays were necessary. “We’re committed to maximum transparency... eventually,” she said. “But some files might jeopardize ongoing probes into, uh, certain Democrats. Santa wouldn’t understand—his list isn’t bipartisan enough.”
At publishing time, sources reported that Santa was preparing extra-large lumps of heavily redacted coal for several high-profile stockings this Christmas, with insiders whispering that even the reindeer were refusing to deliver to certain Palm Beach addresses.