AUCKLAND, NZ — We bring you an exclusive from New Zealand Herald reporter Ryan Bridge on how to be a good dad.
Here are 9 ways, according to Ryan Bridge, for being a dad who is a hero:
The state own your kids, not you: “you have a restricted role to play as a father, defined by the state, and if you take matters in your own hand, expect to get shot. Don’t try and be a hero! Just do what you’re told.”
Seek permission from police before taking your kids camping: “Best to inform the police before you disappear for 3 weeks. If not, you will get charged, and if you don’t appear at court, expect to get shot.”
If you do go camping, with permission from police, do not move from one location to the other: “Stay put. Incase you don’t return on time, and we have to send an armed police team to find you, and if you don’t surrender, expect to get shot.”
Protecting your kids does not make you a hero: “That is just toxic masculinity. Give up your kids as and when you’re instructed to, or else, expect to get shot.”
Do not feed your kids too much sugar: “If you feed your kids too much sugar, you deserve to be shot!”
Don’t yell at your kids: Yes. This is illegal. If they don’t want to go to school or do their homework or go to bed, do not yell at your kids, or else, you will get shot.
Do not hose your kids while washing your car: “If they are annoying you and don’t want to get out of the way so you can wash your car, do not hose them down. That’s torture, and if the neighbours call the cops on you, expect to get shot.”
Do not take your child with you if you conduct a burglary on a quad bike: “We want to shoot you, and we don’t your kids getting hurt. Be a responsible father.”
Don’t shoot at cops: “If the cops are chasing you, and you’re a father, you’re already guilty so just hand yourself in, do not open fire. That’s not what good fathers do.”
Thank you Ryan Bridge for your wisdom.