Opposition Ready To Fix New Zealand As Soon As They Figure Out How They Destroyed It
AUCKLAND, NZ – In a highly publicised State of the Nation address, Labour Party leader Chris Hipkins laid out an ambitious vision to repair New Zealand’s faltering economy—provided he can first unravel the mysteries around how his party wrecked it during their time in government.
The speech, broadcast live, saw Hipkins pledge to tackle the nation’s challenges with the same determination for destroying the nation.
“I broke it. I fix it. I first need to figure out how I broke it,” said Hipkins. “I’m starting with the grand plan of removing a few random people out of their meaningless roles, and replacing them with a few new random folks in these meaningless roles.”
Hipkins, who led the country as Prime Minister from January 2023 until the Labour government’s defeat in the October 2023 election, struck a reflective tone as he addressed a crowd of party faithful and curious onlookers.
“New Zealanders are hurting because of us,” he declared. “And I’m here to say that Labour is ready to fix it—just as soon as I figure out how we broke it in the first place. Or may be figure out what a woman is. And no, I did not force you to take any vaccine or wear a mask. It was your choice.”
The speech comes against the backdrop of Labour’s six-year stint in power, first under Jacinda Ardern and later Hipkins himself, a period critics argue left the economy in tatters. Inflation soared, public debt ballooned, and initiatives like KiwiBuild stumbled spectacularly, delivering a fraction of the promised homes while costing taxpayers dearly.
The address, Labour’s first major outing of 2025, signals the party’s intent to reclaim the narrative ahead of the 2026 election with the magic wand of Harry Potter.
At publishing time, Hipkins just discovered that the best way to fix New Zealand is to shut down the labour party, declare bankruptcy, and start all over again.