Now That MAGA's Gone Woke, Biden Regrets Leaving Presidential Race, Thinks He Could've Beaten Trump Even While Senile

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has admitted he made a colossal blunder by dropping out of the presidential race. In a heartfelt confession, Biden declared, "I could've beaten Trump even with my cognitive faculties on vacation. MAGA's gone woke, and now I'm just sittin' here, eating ice cream, regretting my choices."

The revelation came during an impromptu press conference at his favorite Delaware ice cream parlor, where Biden, surrounded by chocolate chip cookie dough bliss. "They're now fighting for diversity for Indians, they're talking about being globalists, and they've even got Elon bought by the Chinese," Biden said, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, if I knew they were going to start going woke right after the elections, I would've stayed in the race. I'd have won by a landslide, or at least."

"It's like watching a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis of bigotry," said one bewildered commentator. "If MAGA is going woke, then what's next? Will we see Trump at a pride parade? Will we witness the GOP advocating for universal healthcare?" Meanwhile, Biden's campaign team, or what's left of it, with former staffers questioning if they should have kept Biden in the race just a tad bit longer.

"Could've, should've, would've," has become the unofficial slogan of Biden's regret campaign. Meanwhile, Trump, in typical fashion, has taken to his own social media platform saying, “I have spoken to Elon, and he is not starting a war against MAGA. BACK TO YOUR HOLIDAYS.”

At publishing time, sources close to Biden revealed that he's now considering running in 2028.