New Zealand Man Holds Himself In Monkey Cage, Claiming It Has Mental Health Benefits

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AUCKLAND, NZ — John Kirwan has taken to encasing himself in a monkey cage in his backyard, claiming it provides unparalleled benefits to his mental health.

John insists that the ritual of swinging from branch to branch and eating bananas has transformed his mood and outlook on life. "You see, it's all about getting back to our primal roots," John explained, while hanging upside down by his knees. He claims to do this peculiar exercise three times a day for the ultimate mental wellbeing - once at dawn, once at noon, and once when the sun dips below the horizon, which he refers to as his "triple threat" strategy.

Mrs. Smith from next door weighed in, "At first, I thought he was just having a laugh, but now I see him in there more than I see him outside of it." John's routine includes not just swinging but also grooming himself with a comb he's attached to a stick, mimicking the behavior of his ancestors. He's even started to communicate in what he calls "monkey speak," which, to the untrained ear, sounds suspiciously like gibberish.

Dr. Helen Tang, a noted expert in monkey therapy, remarked, "While it's true that nature and mimicry of animal behavior can reduce stress, I'm not sure a full-time commitment to living like a monkey, locked in a cage, is the best approach."

Auckland Council, however, is less amused. They've received complaints about the noise and the unsightly addition to the suburban landscape. There's talk of issuing a fine, but the legal team is stumped on whether they can prosecute someone for being too happy in a cage.

At publishing time, John was seen eating a banana and flinging shit at his neighbour.