New Woke Army Recruitment Advert Shows Soldiers Screaming Their Pronouns At The Enemy

NZ — To fend off an impending Chinese invasion, the New Zealand Army has unveiled its latest recruitment campaign: a $12 billion technicolor spectacle featuring soldiers shrieking their pronouns at enemy lines.

The ad is part of a broader initiative to attract rainbow soldiers to the Kiwi military, which apparently now believes the key to national defense lies in gender fluidity and ear-splitting self-expression.

The two-minute advert opens with a platoon of pastel-camouflaged troops storming a beach, only to halt mid-charge and bellow declarations like “I AM HE/HIM!” and “RESPECT MY XE/XIR OR FACE MY WRATH!” at a bewildered battalion of actors dressed as Chinese invaders.

One particularly intense scene shows a soldier hurling a glitter grenade while screaming, “THEY/THEM!” as rainbow smoke engulfs the battlefield.

The campaign comes hot on the heels of New Zealand’s approval of a massive military funding package, spurred by rumors of Chinese warships eyeing the nation’s pristine fjords and hobbit-filled hillsides.

At publishing time, reports from the front lines indicated that the first wave of rainbow soldiers had accidentally triggered an international incident after misgendering a flock of invading Chinese soldiers after calling them “CHINA/MAN.”