New Study Revealed To Us That New Zealand’s Top Journalists All Throw Tantrums While Wearing Taxpayer-Funded Grinch Pajamas (Who Are Still Grieving About Jacinda Quitting)

NZ — A bombshell peer-reviewed study leaked exclusively to Chimp Chronicles has confirmed that the nation’s most prominent journalists routinely throw full-body floor-kicking tantrums while dressed in bright green, taxpayer-funded Grinch pajamas.

Lead researcher Dr. Chad McSavage told reporters the tantrums typically peak around 3 a.m. whenever someone on X posts a photo of Jacinda Ardern preaching kindness in her new Netflix-funded life. “We observed 97 % of senior gallery journalists sobbing uncontrollably, clutching signed copies of ‘I Am Hope’ posters,” McSavage said.

Stuff political editor Tova O’Brien, reached for comment while reportedly curled in the foetal position under her desk, denied the allegations through muffled sobs. “That’s disinformation spread by far-right cooks who hate strong wahine leaders,” she whispered, before adding, “Can someone please tell Jacinda I still have her 2020 campaign scarf and it still smells like hope?”

RNZ’s Susie Ferguson defended the Grinch pajamas, explaining they are “ethically sourced from Kmart, on sale, and the only thing that soothes us when Luxon uses words with more than two syllables.” She then accused the study authors of attacking the legacy of the 2022 Budget’s $55 million Public Interest Journalism Fund, which definitely didn’t buy our silence, it just bought us really cosy sleepwear.”

At publishing time, sources confirmed TVNZ’s Jack Tame had escalated his nightly tantrum by refusing to take off the Grinch suit for seven straight days.