Mountain Charged With Murder After Identifying As He/Him

SPONSORED BY TARANAKI OR GONE

TARANAKI, NZ — A mountain in New Zealand has been charged with murder after it claimed personhood.

The mountain, known for its steep and treacherous slopes, has now been implicated in the deaths of 84 climbers. New Zealand Police, after consulting with a team of perplexed lawyers, decided to slap the mountain with criminal charges, citing negligence and reckless endangerment.

"We have received numerous anonymous complaints about the Mountain, and as you know, the law applies to every single human, equally,” stated Prosecutor Cliff Hanger. "The mountains is now a person, so we must treat it as such. Murder is murder."

Legal experts are now debating whether the mountain can plead insanity due to its non-human nature or if it should be subjected to manipulating the weather or being forced to flatten out for easier hiking.

Defense attorney Ava Lanche stated that Mount Taranaki was acting in self-defense. "This mountain has been harassed for centuries by humans with their climbing, their skiing, and their littering. If anything, we should be looking at providing psychological support for Mount Taranaki, not prosecuting it,"

At publishing time, wild goats on the mountain are suing the mountain for killing their indigenous population by creating hostile environments on the mountain.