Minneapolis Mayoral Candidate Vows To Fight Crime Using Somali Pirates On Mississippi River
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MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Mayoral candidate Omar Fateh has announced a new campaign promise to combat rising crime in Minneapolis using Somali pirates on the Mississippi River.
At a lively rally in the Phillips neighborhood, Fateh said, “If we’re going to fight crime, let’s do it right. If I’m elected as Mayor, I will call-in my brother pirates who are the best. Our river is about to get a lot more exciting.”
Supporters, decked out in eye patches and waving pirate flags, roared with cheers. “Defund the police, and bring in the pirates,” chanted an enthusiastic crowd.
Fateh, Minnesota’s first Somali-American senator, said using pirates is a nod to his heritage. “Somali pirates have a reputation for getting results,” he said. The pirates will reduce crime that he says Mayor Jacob Frey has failed to address.
“You do not mess with Somali pirates. Look at me.. I’m the captain now,” quoting from the famous movie Captain Phillips.
At publishing time, Tom Hanks has endorsed Omar Fateh for Mayor.
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