Media Assures Public They’re Totally Unbiased When Ignoring Grooming Scandals Involving Left-Leaning Politicians

New Zealand’s media has proudly declared its impartiality by turning a blind eye to Green MP Benjamin Doyle’s secret Instagram account, “BibleBeltBussy,” where sexual captions like “bussy galore” cozy up to photos of kids.

Meanwhile, they’ve gone full detective on National MP Hamish Campbell for simply being a member of a church where 50 offenders were busted—none of whom are him or anything to do with him. “We’re not here to judge quirky rainbow expressions,” said Ryan Boswell from One News.

Doyle’s posts, complete with blue spiral emojis and sexually suggestive vibes, barely registered a blip. But Campbell’s church membership? That’s a headline bonanza, complete with spooky steeples and grave voiceovers.

“Hamish Campbell’s church ties are a public concern,” Boswell explained, “while Benjamin’s posts are just authentic self-expression.”

At publishing time, the media had pivoted to breaking news about an ACT MP whose aunt’s hairdresser’s uncle who lives in Alaska, is friends with a pedo.