Mayor Heroically Saves City By Quitting

WELLINGTON, NZ — Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has saved the city by announcing her withdrawal from the 2025 mayoral race.

Residents, weary from years of crumbling infrastructure and council chaos, are already erecting a statue in her honor, “it will be a drunk woman strolling around town who hasn’t paid her restaurant bill,” said local sculpture artist Neil Dawson.

Whanau’s reign was a masterclass in modern governance: bold promises, dramatic controversies, and a knack for getting drunk. From the failed airport shares sale to a credit rating downgrade that left Wellington’s finances shakier than a fault line, her leadership kept the city on its toes.

Local resident Karen Smith wept openly at the news. “She’s done it—she’s saved us by quitting.”

At publishing time, Wellington’s pipes burst in celebration, flooding the streets with what locals are calling “tears of joy.”