Mamdani Announces Mandatory Jihad Military Service For NYC High School Graduates
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NEW YORK, NY — Newly appointed NYC mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that every New York City public high school graduate will now be required to complete two years of mandatory jihad military service abroad before being allowed to vote, work, or collect welfare checks.
“It’s basically Peace Corps but with more explosions and fewer condoms,” Mamdani explained at a press conference held in front of a burning Israeli flag. “We’re calling it the ‘Ultimate Gap Year Experience’—travel the world, meet new cultures, blow some of them up, come home a hero with great Instagram content.”
The program will be fully funded by defunding the NYPD, selling the Brooklyn Bridge to Qatar, and a new 900% ‘Zionist Occupancy Tax’ on anyone caught owning a menorah.
Parents who object will be offered an alternative: their children can stay in New York and complete the domestic version—patrolling Columbia University quads in keffiyehs while screaming at Jewish students for extra credit.
At publishing time, enrollment in yeshivas and Catholic schools had exploded by 800%, with thousands of public-school parents suddenly discovering their kids were ‘super Catholic now”’ and needed immediate baptism to avoid being shipped off to Syria with an AK and a GoPro.