Justice Minister Proposes Using Tiny People To Distract Rich People From Exploiting Children

WELLINGTON, NZ — As New Zealand grapples with rich people exploiting children—ranked 5th worst among OECD countries—Justice Minister Goldsmith suggested therapy centres where tiny therapists distract potential offenders from their ‘day job’.

“Midgets are like kids in the mind of the pedo,” Goldsmith declared with a straight face. “This works because we need creative ways to prevent the rich from committing offenses. This therapy approach might gently wean them off their desires—legally, of course.”

Goldsmith argued that this method made sense because wealthy offenders enjoy permanent name suppression after being charged and imprisoned.

“They enjoy permanent name suppression, so why not provide a private 12-week therapy programme to gently wean them off children? And midgets will be paid handsomely—after all, these people are rich. It’ll be a well-run safe operation.”

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon endorsed the idea saying it will create more jobs for tiny people and help with economic recovery.

At publishing time, 173 rich people have expressed interest in this new life-changing programme.