James Cameron Says New Wellington Cycleway Ruined His Gay Terminator Reboot

WELLINGTON, NZ — Visionary director and part-time Wairarapa goat herder James Cameron unleashed a testosterone-free tirade against Wellington’s latest cycleway, claiming the bike lanes have derailed his long-awaited reboot: Terminator: Rainbow Reckoning.

The Oscar-winning filmmaker, known for sinking ships and making a 190-minute movie about water, says the new cycleway sabotaged his vision of a leather-clad, time-traveling robot coming out of the closet.

“I had it all planned,” Cameron said while on stage with gay journalist Paddy Gower. “The T-800 was going to strut out of a fiery portal on Cuba Street, snap its fingers, and say, ‘Honey, I’ll be fabulous.’ But these cycleways? They’re a disaster. I can’t film a chase scene if my gay Terminator keeps getting stuck behind these gay cyclists,”

“Wellington was supposed to be the perfect backdrop for my woke-apocalypse,” Cameron sighed, sipping kombucha from a reusable gay Terminator skull mug. “I blame Mayor Tory Whanau—she’s basically the T-1000 of bad infrastructure.”

Cameron, undeterred, vowed to salvage his reboot by relocating production to Pandora—or at least Palmerston North. “I’ll make this gay Terminator happen, cycleways or not, but I’m furious!”