Irish Men Flee As Rosie O’Donnell’s Voice Levels Kerry Cow Herds

Ireland faced an unprecedented crisis this week as Rosie O’Donnell touched down at Shannon Airport. Within hours, reports flooded in of grown Irish men abandoning their posts—farmers fleeing in terror from the American celebrity’s arrival.

“It was like the banshee herself had landed,” said Paddy, a Galway fisherman who witnessed O’Donnell’s first step onto Irish soil. “She opened her mouth to say something about authentic scones, and the sound flattened three cows and a tractor. I ran for me life.”