Iran's Supreme Leader Urges Parliament To Avoid Chanting 'Death To America,' Instead Explore Different De-Stressing Methods Like Fuck-A-Goat

TEHRAN — Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, urged Parliament to avoid “Death to America” chants in fear of president Trump striking Iran again. Instead, take up goat-fucking, a popular de-stressing hobby in Iran.

“You mother fuckers are going to get me killed. Don’t you know that Zionist knows my address, and that he will bomb me as soon as Trump gives him the go-ahead?” said Iran’s Supreme Leader. “Chill out or go fuck a goat.”

In Iran’s Zagros mountains, goat-fucking is a meditative ritual very popular among radicals. “When you live a life of terrorism, it is very stressful. You are hiding in the mountains, lonely and isolated, and you might die any minute. So enjoying a bit of leisure time with the goats is a great de-stresser,” said therapist Ahmed Pahlavi, who provides therapy to radicals.

The Ministry of Culture has been directed to host retreats for Parliament members, up in the mountains, to help de-stress. “Respect the goats, and wear a condom,” a spokesperson said.

At publishing time, Iran’s Supreme Leader was seen headed into the mountains.