Insane Conspiracy Theorist Believes Jeffrey Epstein Is Innocent
Headlines that should be satire: Not The Chimp
WASHINGTON, D.C — Official White House conspiracy theorist Donald Trump went on an unhinged rant on national television this morning, explaining why he believes Jeffrey Epstein is innocent.
Well known for his powers of turning conspiracy theories into truth (that’s how he won the election), Trump pulled out all the stops to tell the world that Jeffrey Epstein was just having fun on his island with his friends, just how all rich people do.
“He just lost his primary MAGA supporters” said renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. “What is he going to say next? That there are no giant structures under the pyramids? Or RFK Jr. is faking his voice? We tolerated him claiming that he got shot in the head, that it was an assassination attempt, but in fact, he just got shot in the ear.”
At publishing time, White House staff are now reportedly even more concerned after Trump pardoned Ghislaine Maxwell.