Guy Williams Viciously Mauled By Rampaging Toddlers At Library Event
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New Zealand comedian Guy Williams was left battered, bruised, and was said to be questioning his career yesterday after a mob of enraged toddlers turned violent during a children’s event at the Auckland Central Library.
Williams, who, like many New Zealand performers today, have turned their backs on TV and Film for the highly lucrative New Zealand library circuit, was booked to perform a “kid-friendly” stand-up routine. According to several parents and staff present (who all chose not to be named) Williams asked the audience if they were “tired” when his first few jokes fell flat. After that, “all hell broke loose”.
“Serves them right”, said homeless man Elijah Taurewa who claimed that the booking of Williams had been part of a ploy by management to oust the Auckland homeless community from the library. “We used this place to get out of the cold and stuff, but some things are worse than catching pneumonia”.
The attack lasted 5 minutes and only stopped after Drag Queens performing in a neighbouring room intervened.
“I was a chapter, maybe two into my reading of “The Saggy Baggy Scrotum Sack” when I heard screams”, said Ms Vai Agra, “I thought to myself “Wow. Guy’s killing it”, so I poked my head in the door and saw that it was the audience doing the killing!”
Opposition leader Chris Hipkins, in a statement released in the immediate aftermath of the attack said that “Violence is never an answer to controversial speech” but added, “Many toddlers do consider being told they are tired to be hateful, and we need to be sensitive to that”. Asked if Labour would criminalise telling a toddler they are tired should they return to office, Hipkins replied, “We’d certainly look at it.”
Williams, recovering at home, has started a Go Fund Me page to pay for his damaged glasses and wanted to assure fans any talk of him wanting to quit comedy over the attack was “fake news”. He said comedians often cross lines and are normally told when they do and then correct themselves. “Toddlers aren’t exactly articulate, so they chose to make their displeasure known by jumping on my balls. That aside, this has been a teaching moment for which I’m grateful.”