Gloriavale Insists It Is Not A Prison, But No One Is Allowed to Leave

WEST COAST, NZ — Leaders of the Gloriavale Christian Community have issued a strongly worded 47-page statement clarifying that the fenced, remote compound is “absolutely, definitely, 100 % not a prison,” immediately after the High Court ruled that members are in fact employees entitled to minimum wage and the right to leave whenever they feel like it.

“We are shocked—shocked!—that anyone could think this is a prison,” said Overseeing Shepherd Faithful Pilgrim at a press conference held inside a locked hall. “Prisons have barbed wire facing inward. Ours faces outward to keep the devil away. Totally different.”

Former member Serenity Valleys, who escaped in 2023 by hiding in a laundry trolley, was less convinced. “They took my passport, my money, my shoes, and my name,” she told reporters. “But sure, totally not a prison. Prisons at least give you a release date.”

Children’s Commissioner Dr. Stephen Rainbow described recent footage of toddlers being trained to stand silently for hours as “concerning but apparently biblical.” When asked if the community’s school should be shut down, she replied, “We’re still praying about it. Forcefully.”

Minister of Ethnic Communities Mark Mitchell shot back, calling this attack as hate speech, and that Gloriavale are protected as a group, which automatically suspends individual rights of all members.

At publishing time, Gloriavale had announced a new “voluntary lifelong commitment ceremony” for all 2026 newborns and erected a tasteful new sign at the front gate that reads WELCOME — PLEASE IGNORE THE BOLT FROM THE INSIDE.