FBI Assures Nation Of Zero Terror Threats Since All Jan 6 Rioters Are In Jail

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The FBI declared today that there will be no further terrorist threats in the United States. This is because all potential threats have been neatly rounded up and placed behind bars, specifically, all those who attended the January 6th event at the Capitol.

"Why bother with counterterrorism anymore?" said FBI Director Christopher Wray. “We've caught them all!" This bold statement has led to a significant reallocation of resources, with many agents now being trained with helping members of ISIS in the U.S. to re-integrate back to society.

“These guys are not terrorists. They are veterans and good members of our society, and they have been harmed by woke ideology. We need to get them back to being healthy.”

At publishing time, the FBI had announced they will start chasing Jews since they are involved in weather manipulation.