Entire Generation Of Australian Teens Perish Minutes After First Exposure To Direct Sunlight Following Social Media Ban

Tragedy struck the nation today as Australia’s entire teenage population spontaneously combusted within minutes of stepping outside for the first time in years, moments after the government’s landmark social media ban for under-16s took effect.

Health authorities report that at approximately 12:00pm., thousands of confused adolescents wandered into the harsh Australian sun in search of something to do. Eyewitnesses describe scenes of horror as the teens, deprived of their natural habitat of bedrooms, immediately burst into flames upon contact with Vitamin D.

“It was like watching vampires meet a flamethrower,” said Brisbane paramedic Shane Warno. “One kid looked up, saw the giant yellow ball in the sky, screamed ‘What filter is that?!’ and just—poof. Ashes.”

Experts blame chronic screen exposure for destroying the ozone layer in the teens’ own skin. “They had the UV resistance of tissue paper,” explained dermatologist Dr. Amelia Croft. “They were literally allergic to daylight now. We tried handing one a Vegemite sandwich for strength, but he thought it was an NFT and tried to right-click-save it.”

At publishing time, the government had announced an emergency plan to rebuild the youth population by airdropping ring lights, Stanley cups, and Wi-Fi routers into the outback in hopes of luring survivors back indoors before the next sunrise.