Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Donut That’s 98% Recycled Palestinian Olive Pits And 2% Regret
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BOSTON, MA — Dunkin’ Donuts shocked the breakfast world this morning by announcing the launch of its bold new ‘Gaza Glazer’ donut, a limited-edition treat described as ‘a heartfelt blend of conflict-resolution cuisine and whatever we found in the parking lot.’
Company spokespeople confirmed the glaze is made from 98% recycled Palestinian olive pits collected by NGO volunteers between airstrikes, blended with a proprietary 2% pure liquid regret, extracted from focus-group participants who actually tasted it.
“We heard customers wanted more Middle East representation in their morning sugar coma,” said Dunkin’ CEO Dave Hoffmann while nervously checking his phone for BDS alerts. “Nothing says ‘America runs on Dunkin’’ like biting into a pastry that tastes like centuries of geopolitical failure.”
The chain insists the olive pits are thoroughly washed, de-nuked, and certified gluten-free by the same lab that declared their bacon ‘technically pork-adjacent.
At publishing time, pro-Palestine activists were boycotting the donut for cultural appropriation while pro-Israel customers were boycotting it for literally containing Palestine.