Desperate Trump Encourages 14-Year-Old Masseuses To 'Get Back To Work' To Boost Weak Jobs Report
Headlines that should be satire, but aren’t.
VIRGIN ISLANDS — President Donald Trump told young aspiring masseuses to get back to work, to help boost the country’s declining employment rate, after the release of July job numbers.
Having seen the benefits before, and the only one with access to a list of wealthy people seeking foot massages from under-age massueses, Trump quickly spun up a new economy, completely legal, adding much needed boost to the nation’s employment figures.
“This will create jobs like we have never seen before,” Trump told reporters from a new island owned by Trump’s Administration in the Virgin Islands. “That job report was totally rigged, but anyway, after this new economy, the job numbers will break records.”
Trump rolled up his pants to show his swollen ankles, “see, I could do with a massage. Anyone would like one? We have private jets on their way filled with masseuses.”
At publishing time, Trump told Secretary of State Marco Rubio that he needed to take on another job in his administration, responsible for publishing the jobs report.
Not Satire
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