Clarke Gayford Warns: “Never Make A Documentary About Your Partner If You Like Having Regular Sex”
Former “first bloke” of New Zealand, Clarke Gayford has had his fair share of challenges. He’s navigated the ups and downs of parenting during a pandemic, stood beside Jacinda Ardern as she governed New Zealand through multiple crises, and even endured endless dad joke memes. But nothing, he says, was as fraught as producing a documentary about his own partner.
“If she didn’t like a question, or even a camera angle, there would be a... let’s call it sexual embargo,” Clarke confessed. “If I showed Jacinda tripping over her words or anything less than radiant, guess who was sleeping in flannel pjs for the next month?!”
The pressure reached its (for want of a better word) climax midway through production. “There was a moment, two full weeks, actually, where things came to a complete halt,” Clarke admitted. “And by ‘things,’ I mean my sex life. It was a total freeze-out. A production shutdown, if you will.”
Desperate to turn things around, Clarke called an emergency meeting with the production crew. “I told them, ‘Listen, I need solutions. We’re cutting anything that even hints at her being human.’ No bloopers, no bad angles, and definitely no moments where she’s less than Lady Diana perfect. I need her to feel adored – or else this could turn into a permanent drought!”
The crew scrambled to comply. “By the end, it was less of a documentary and more of a love letter. But hey, desperate times, right?”
Clarke warns others not to repeat his mistake. “I learned the hard way that blending your professional life with your personal one is dangerous, especially when your partner holds all the power in the bedroom,” he said. “If you’re thinking about making a documentary about your spouse, ask yourself this: do I enjoy regular sex? If the answer is yes, don’t do it. Just don’t.”
Now that production has wrapped, Clarke says he’s cautiously optimistic about the future of his romantic life. “Jacinda gave the final cut a thumbs-up and I think she felt kind of crap at that point, so she whisked me straight off into the bedroom as if to say, “Job well done, Clarke.” Boy, was I relieved. I hadn’t even been smiled at in months.”
The documentary premieres next month. As for Clarke, he’s just happy to have survived. “I’m not sure I’d call it my best work,” he said, “but my cockus-erectus is chuffed, so that’s a great thing”.