Christopher Luxon Appoints Simeon Brown As The Minister For Every Single Portfolio

WELLINGTON, NZ — Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced what can only be described as the most dramatic cabinet reshuffle in New Zealand's history. In a bold bid to streamline government efficiency, Luxon has decided that one man, and one man alone, can do the job better than all others combined: Simeon Brown.

After a series of less-than-stellar performances from his cabinet, Luxon announced, "Why settle for mediocrity when you can have excellence? Simeon Brown has proven to be the only minister in my team who doesn't need a manual to operate his portfolio. Therefore, he will now be the Minister of Health, Education, Transport, Finance, Local Government, Energy, Auckland, State Owned Enterprises, and... well, everything else."

Meanwhile, other ministers, now stripped of their portfolios, are rumored to be setting up a "Simeon Support Group," where they can share tips on how to cope with their newfound unemployment.

Luxon, standing by his decision, stated, "We've tried everything else. Now, we're trying everything Brown." He further added that this move would ensure that all governmental functions would now be handled with "Brown's Touch," a term he coined on the spot, which is yet to be defined but sounds vaguely like a new brand of political magic.

At publishing time, if Simeon Brown succeed with all portfolios, Luxon will make him the Prime Minister.