CEO Who Has Done Nothing All Year Announces He’ll Be Completely Unavailable This Summer
RAGLAN, NZ — KiwiTech CEO Hamish McKenzie has officially declared himself completely unavailable for the entire summer, effective immediately, as the nation collectively downs tools for its sacred December-to-March shutdown.
McKenzie, who insiders say has not opened a single spreadsheet this entire year, sent a company-wide email on Monday stating that he will be offline to focus on critical barbecues, beach cricket, and ensuring the holiday bach stays adequately stocked with Steinlagers.
The announcement comes as thousands of Kiwi businesses simultaneously flip on out-of-office replies that won’t expire until after Summer ends.
“It’s visionary,” praised Aussie Fiona Grant. “While Australians grind away in 40-degree heat to keep the economy productive, Kiwis understands that real productivity happens when you do absolutely nothing for eight straight weeks.”
Employees were more resigned. “We just fended off that massive data breach last week because the IT team worked through the night—without Hamish, obviously,” said one senior developer. “Now half the country’s on holiday, suppliers won’t answer phones until February, and invoices are stacking up. But sure, enjoy the bach, mate.”
Another staffer sighed, “His auto-reply has been handling customer escalations better than he ever did. At this rate, we’re just going to make it permanent with artificial intelligence.”
At publishing time, sources confirmed the Government is looking to take a page from Jacinda’s playbook, doing the opposite, ordering every working-age adult to report to the office for the entire summer.