Breaking: Epstein’s Oldest Client Was A Neanderthal Whose Safe Word Was Just Louder Grunting
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WASHINGTON, DC — Federal investigators have unsealed a new tranche of Jeffrey Epstein documents containing a Neanderthal individual identified as “Shag,” believed to have lived approximately 38,000 years ago.
The materials include high-resolution scans of mammoth-ivory receipts, obsidian payment ledgers, and a series of explicit cave paintings that authorities say depict Shag boarding a sled marked “Lolita Express” pulled by six woolly mammoths.
According to the filings, Shag held platinum status and is recorded as having visited Epstein’s island at least seventeen times during the Late Pleistocene. Payment records show transactions in rare volcanic glass blades, fermented mammoth milk, and pelts that forensic anthropologists describe as consistent with juvenile cave bears.
Perhaps the most controversial detail is a signed non-disclosure agreement—etched in red ochre on reindeer antler—stipulating that Shag’s designated safe word during island activities would be “an escalation in grunting volume.”
The Department of Justice Department has referred the matter to both the FBI and the Smithsonian Institution for further investigation.
At publishing time, park rangers at Lascaux Cave in France reported discovering fresh graffiti reading “Shag here — still waiting on that refund.”