Australian Teens Banned From Social Media Relieved They’ll Still Be Able To Watch OnlyFans

After Australia passed the under-16 social media ban, locking teenagers out of TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, X, YouTube and even BeReal, millions of devastated Aussie teens have reportedly found that OnlyFans remains unrestricted.

“You just have to declare you’re 18+ and you’re good to go,” said 15-year-old Lachlan Thompson from Penrith, still wearing his school uniform and a look of quiet triumph. “Thought Albo and the boomers were gonna ruin my life—no more TikTok, no more finsta, no more sending dog-filter snaps at 2 a.m. But I got OnlyFans. So that’s sweet.”

Child safety advocates were less enthusiastic. “We begged the government to protect kids from gambling ads, eating-disorder content and Andrew Tate,” sobbed child safety commissioner Gerald Risdale. “Instead they’ve created a giant legal loophole so Year 9 boys can keep subscribing to their maths teacher’s secret account.”

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese defended the oversight at a press conference. “Look, we’re banning the dangerous social media apps,” he said, adjusting his Akubra. “We never said anything about porn. Which is essential for teens right of passage into manhood.”

At publishing time, the Morrison-era Online Safety Act was being urgently amended after it was revealed thousands of banned teens had simply migrated to subscribing to their classmates’ private Discords called ‘Year 11 Homework Help (18+ only).’