AOC Admits ‘Bronx Girl’ Persona Actually Sprouted In Westchester Mansion With Live-In Butlers
Funny Machines: Building Comedic Intelligence
YORKTOWN HEIGHTS, NY— Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez confessed that her childhood was not spent dodging stray bullets in the South Bronx but frolicking in a sprawling Westchester mansion, complete with a team of live-in butlers.
The admission came after a yearbook photo from Yorktown High School surfaced, forcing AOC to confront the truth about her lavish suburban upbringing.
Sources close to the congresswoman revealed that AOC’s childhood home in Yorktown Heights, a leafy suburb 40 miles from the Bronx, boasted marble fountains, a private petting zoo, and a chandelier so large it required its own zip code.
“She kept saying she was ‘from the block,’ but the only block she knew was the one her butlers polished daily,” said a former classmate, flipping through a yearbook filled with photos of AOC at cotillion practice. The congresswoman had long claimed her ‘Bronx girl’ persona, but neighbors recall her perfecting her latte order at a local artisanal coffee shop by age 10.
AOC insisted her family’s move to Yorktown when she was five was just a temporary detour to a modest 12-bedroom estate. She claimed the butlers were like family. “I’m still a Bronx girl at heart,” AOC declared. “I just happened to grow up in a mansion.”
At publishing time, AOC was spotted commissioning a $10 million mural of herself in the Bronx, depicting her heroically sharing a single empanada with the people.