293-Year-Old George Washington Slams Elon Musk For Cancelling His Social Security Checks

MOUNT VERNON, VIRGINIA – President George Washington blasted Elon Musk for cancelling his Social Security checks. The man who famously led the Continental Army to victory, claims Musk’s budget-slashing antics are an affront to his legacy.

"I crossed the Delaware in a rowboat with icicles in my breeches to secure liberty—and a pension!" Washington said, "Now this electric carriage peddler dares to cut off my hard-earned security checks? I’ll have him court-martialed in no time. Did you forget that my face is on the $1 dollar bill?”

Historians note that Washington’s been collecting benefits since 1789, thanks to a clerical error listing his occupation as "Immortal Patriot."

At publishing time, Elon responded to the president with a post on X saying, “why the long face?”