10 Things You Definitely Know About This Social Media Bill You Haven’t Read
WELLINGTON, NZ — New Zealand’s proposed bill to set a minimum age of 16 for social media use has everyone talking, tweeting, and yelling into the void. The only problem? Nobody’s actually read the thing. But that hasn’t stopped Kiwis from having extremely strong opinions about it.
Here are 10 things you’re absolutely certain about the bill, despite not even skimming the title:
It’s either saving the children or censoring freedom: You’re 100% sure this bill is the key to protecting kids or it’s a dystopian government plot to censor free speech
It’s super easy to enforce: The bill definitely has a foolproof plan to verify everyone’s age online
It’s based on rock-solid science: You’ve heard there’s a stat about a 400% surge in something bad for kids
It’ll fix mental health overnight: Banning under-16s from Instagram will instantly cure anxiety, depression, and the pressure to take 47 selfies a day
Big tech or secret community group want to control your kids: The bill is either sticking it to those evil Silicon Valley overlords or secretly written by them to control your kids
It’s totally not about politics: This bill is pure, non-partisan common sense
It won’t affect you at all: You’re over 16, so this bill is just for those pesky kids
It’s exactly like that other country’s law: You’re pretty sure Australia or France did something similar, and it was either a massive success or a total disaster
It’s got everyone’s support (except the haters): Polls you haven’t read show 74% of New Zealanders back the bill. Or maybe 74% hate it
You don’t need to read it to know it’s bad/good: Why waste time reading a boring legal document when you’ve already got a vibe?
As New Zealanders continue to debate the bill they haven’t read, one thing’s clear: nothing brings a nation together like arguing over something nobody understands.