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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell has been accused of lying to Congress about the jaw-dropping $2.5 billion renovation of the Fed’s Washington, D.C. headquarters.
The Chimp Chronicles have uncovered 10 hidden features Powell definitely didn’t want Congress to know about:
Gold-plated money printers: these babies churn out gold dollar bills
Inflation-proof bunkers: these bunkers protect Fed from inflation spikes
AI-powered crystal ball room: A high-tech chamber where algorithms predict market crashes with 99.9% accuracy
Zero-gravity boardroom: For those high-stakes interest rate debates
Liquid crypto moat: A shimmering moat of liquefied Bitcoin keeps pesky auditors and crypto bros at bay
Holographic Janet Yellen lounge: A tribute to Powell’s predecessor, featuring a life-sized hologram of Yellen dispensing cryptic economic wisdom and cocktail recipes
Diamond-encrusted panic button: For when markets tank, this button orders Pizza for staff working late!
Secret spa for stress-tested bankers: A subterranean oasis with hot tubs filled with melted Treasury bonds
Monetary policy maze garden: A sprawling outdoor labyrinth where lost interns wander
Time machine vault: Rumored to exist in the basement, this device lets Powell rewind to 2021 and bring back inflation
At publishing time, the Federal Reserve issued a statement denying the existence of these lavish features, but did admit to a prohibition-style whiskey and cigar bar for Jerome Powell to utilise when stressed.