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Mars Was Like Earth: It Was Blue Before It Turned Red
BLUE PLANET RED is now available to stream on Amazon Prime Video
Uncle Herschel Rejects Cracker Barrel’s Offer To Reappear On Its Logo
US — Uncle Herschel, the ambassador of Cracker Barrel who featured on the original logo, has declined an offer to return to the restaurant chain’s…
Finance Minister Claims Terrible Economy Is A Conspiracy Theory
New Zealand Finance Minister Nicola Willis says there is no weak economy or recession, and any reports that claim otherwise, is simply fake news.
Are You Still Using Electricity? Here Are 5 Alternatives To Using Electricity
NZ — We all know that electricity costs have skyrocketed, and most of us continue to use more electricity as we continue to fight freezing temperatures…
Justice Minister Proposes Using Tiny People To Distract Rich People From Exploiting Children
WELLINGTON, NZ — As New Zealand grapples with rich people exploiting children—ranked 5th worst among OECD countries—Justice Minister Goldsmith suggested…
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With USAID Funding Ceased, Auckland University Lays Off All Pink-Haired Members Of The Faculty
Trump, Place-Naming Wizard, Settles 'Aotearoa' Vs. 'New Zealand' Beef
JD Vance Headed To New Zealand As Part Of Global Tour To Tell Politicians That They Suck At Running Countries
'Trump Shall Not Be King, Say Protesters Who Want To Be King

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'Ollie The Chimp' At Auckland Zoo Celebrates 'Fling Poop At People' Day
AUCKLAND, NZ — Chimps at Auckland Zoo were excited to celebrate a newly announced public holiday for chimps only; enjoying a day, eating bananas, and…
Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 8 Benefits Of Having Lady Prime Ministers
Former Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern has faced backlash for her time in office, leading to many believe that women in leadership may not…
Trump Bans All General Elections
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced a blanket ban on all general elections in the United States.
Eager For Rushed Peace, Trump Proposes Redrawing Russia's Border To Include Ukraine
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Memoir: Former New Zealand Finance Minister Reveals Recovery From Spending Addiction
NZ — In a tell-all memoir, former New Zealand Finance Minister Grant Robertson confessed he’s in recovery for a spending addiction that saw him spend…
U.S. Moves To Recognise Greater Israel
WASHINGTON, D.C — After Israel announced plans to occupy Gaza, President.
Joe Rogan Guest Claims She Knows People Who's Seen Stuff That Look Like Stuff From Different Dimension
AUSTIN, TX — Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna left listeners baffled and bemused as she danced around the topic of extraterrestrial life with the finesse…
9 Ways This Dictator Is Ruining America
America is experiencing unprecedented oppression, dictatorship, and authoritarianism under the iron fist rule of a dictator.

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Tucker Carlson Interviews This Christian Just To Annoy Babylon Bee
Tucker Carlson stirred the pot, again, by interviewing Mother Agapia Stephanopoulos, just to annoy Babylon Bee.
Zuru Founder Launches New Venture Making Adult Pacifiers
AUCKLAND, NZ — ZURU co-founder Nick Mowbray adds a new product to his name after his success with children’s toys and diapers: adult pacifiers.
New Zealand Offers Trump Deluxe Doomsday Bunker In Queenstown To Reduce Tariffs
NZ — Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has offered President Trump a bespoke doomsday bunker in Queenstown, featuring a gold-plated golf range and…
Fisher & Paykel Washing Machine Files Restraining Order Against Luxon And Willis For Excessive Spinning
WELLINGTON, NZ — A Fisher & Paykel washing machine has filed a restraining order against Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Finance Minister Nicola…
Hostile Alien Spacecraft On Route To Exterminate All Jews And Restore Peace On Earth
A paper published by Harvard University’s Department of Astrophysics has revealed a massive alien spacecraft, roughly the size of Long Island, is…
Rob Ford Tells Wellington Mayor To Deny All Rumours, Even If They Are True
WELLINGTON, NZ — Toronto Mayor Rob Ford showed up in Wellington to give Mayor Tory Whanau a crash course in scandal survival.
CBS Announces Hunter Biden As New Host Of Late Show
NEW YORK, NY — CBS has announced Hunter Biden as the new host of the Late Show, hailing Biden’s charisma and loyalty to the democratic audience.
New Medical School To Exclude The Vaccinated
NZ — Minister of Health Simeon Brown announced the establishment of a new medical school exclusively for unvaccinated individuals, aiming to address the…

Chimpin

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'Ollie The Chimp' At Auckland Zoo Celebrates 'Fling Poop At People' Day
AUCKLAND, NZ — Chimps at Auckland Zoo were excited to celebrate a newly announced public holiday for chimps only; enjoying a day, eating bananas, and…
Eager For Rushed Peace, Trump Proposes Redrawing Russia's Border To Include Ukraine
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Memoir: Former New Zealand Finance Minister Reveals Recovery From Spending Addiction
NZ — In a tell-all memoir, former New Zealand Finance Minister Grant Robertson confessed he’s in recovery for a spending addiction that saw him spend…
U.S. Moves To Recognise Greater Israel
WASHINGTON, D.C — After Israel announced plans to occupy Gaza, President.
Israel Kills Hamas Terrorists Posing As Children
GAZA — Israel today confirmed killing a dozen terrorists waiting in line for food, disguised as children.
Auckland Mayor Claims Lazy Brown People Are Slowing Down City's Economy
AUCKLAND, NZ — Wayne Brown, during a late-night campaign event, declared that the city’s economic woes are due to lazy brown people not pulling their…
Education Minister Says Māori Language Dangerous For Kids, Swaps It For Swear Words
WELLINGTON, NZ — In a leaked report, Erica Stanford declared that Māori language is dangerous to young minds and should be replaced with a new…
2028 Olympic Games In Los Angeles To Feature Trans Female Athletes Only
LOS ANGELES — After listening to excessive “whinging, whining, and moaning” from biologically female athletes (adult human female), Gavin Newsom…
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Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 8 Benefits Of Having Lady Prime Ministers
Former Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern has faced backlash for her time in office, leading to many believe that women in leadership may not…
Chlöe Swarbrick Warns If Anyone Insults Migrants Again She Will Call In Another Bomb Threat
AOTEA SQUARE, AUCKLAND — Chlöe Swarbrick has called in a bomb threat in Central Auckland and has warned white people that if anyone insults migrants…
Unemployment Benefits Expanded To Include Free Butter
Subscribe to Not the Chimp for NZD $5 per month.
FBI Confirm Top Cop In Epstein Client List
WELLINGTON, NZ — FBI today confirmed that former deputy police commissioner Jevon McSkimming is in the Epstein Client List.
FBI In New Zealand Begins Investigation Into White Supremacy In 'Lord Of The Rings'
The FBI’s newly opened office in Wellington tasked with tackling crime in the realm of Middle Earth, has launched its first major investigation, probing…

Don't Miss

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Are You Still Using Electricity? Here Are 5 Alternatives To Using Electricity
NZ — We all know that electricity costs have skyrocketed, and most of us continue to use more electricity as we continue to fight freezing temperatures…
Justice Minister Proposes Using Tiny People To Distract Rich People From Exploiting Children
WELLINGTON, NZ — As New Zealand grapples with rich people exploiting children—ranked 5th worst among OECD countries—Justice Minister Goldsmith suggested…
Joe Rogan Guest Claims She Knows People Who's Seen Stuff That Look Like Stuff From Different Dimension
AUSTIN, TX — Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna left listeners baffled and bemused as she danced around the topic of extraterrestrial life with the finesse…
Helen Clark Talks To Hamas Terrorists Disguised As Journalists At Gaza Border
EGYPT — Former New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark found herself in a peculiar situation after speaking with Journalists at the Gaza-Egypt border…
Native American Endorses African American
Subscribe to The Chimp Chronicles for NZD $8/month, unlocking many benefits.
Israel Warns Children Who Spend More Than 60 Seconds In Queue For Aid
ISRAEL — The IDF has dropped millions of poster warning children to not stay in queue for aid for more than 60 seconds, or else, they will be blown up.
Revealed: 10 Reasons FBI Director Kash Patel Was In New Zealand
Kash Patel’s secret visit to New Zealand was exposed after Finance Minister Nicola Willis spotted a few very handsome men on the 7th floor of the…
Pam Bondi Confirms Receiving a Truckload Of Russiagate Evidence From Tulsi Gabbard, Oh Wait, She Is Now Saying That Russiagate Doesn't Exist
WASHINGTON, DC — Attorney General Pam Bondi announced yesterday that Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard delivered a truckload of evidence…

Greatest Hits

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Mars Was Like Earth: It Was Blue Before It Turned Red
BLUE PLANET RED is now available to stream on Amazon Prime Video
Uncle Herschel Rejects Cracker Barrel’s Offer To Reappear On Its Logo
US — Uncle Herschel, the ambassador of Cracker Barrel who featured on the original logo, has declined an offer to return to the restaurant chain’s…
Finance Minister Claims Terrible Economy Is A Conspiracy Theory
New Zealand Finance Minister Nicola Willis says there is no weak economy or recession, and any reports that claim otherwise, is simply fake news.
Trump Bans All General Elections
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced a blanket ban on all general elections in the United States.
9 Ways This Dictator Is Ruining America
America is experiencing unprecedented oppression, dictatorship, and authoritarianism under the iron fist rule of a dictator.
Jacinda Says She Never Locked Anything Down And Has Never Heard Of COVID
NZ — Former Prime Minister of New Zealand refused to testify at the Covid-19 Royal Commission Inquiry, citing that she never locked anything down, and…
Tucker Carlson Interviews This Christian Just To Annoy Babylon Bee
Tucker Carlson stirred the pot, again, by interviewing Mother Agapia Stephanopoulos, just to annoy Babylon Bee.
Vance, Bondi, Patel, Maxwell, To Huddle At VP Residence For Epstein Strategy Meeting
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